My fourth marathon is now complete - unfortunately it was not meant to be yesterday.
Official time - 4:01:36...Splits:
5 Miles: 42:07 (8:25 pace);
Half Marathon: 1:50:33 (8:26 pace);
15 Miles: 2:06:58 (8:28 pace)...1st Half/2nd Half (1:50/2:11).
Although the training went very well and I felt extremely prepared going into this one, there are certain things that you just can't control and both of them failed me yesterday - the weather (the main culprit) and the pacing. This was the hardest race that I have ever run (on par with my 2007 NYC Half, but twice as long) and it took all of the mental strength that I had to complete it. While I wanted to quit many times during the course of the day, I am proud of myself for finishing it while feeling relatively good both after the race and the day after - a testament to my training. The weather was absolutely brutal with the heat index reaching the high 80s/low 90s during the latter parts of the race. People were dropping out. People were walking. It was not a pretty scene at all. A day later, I feel fine physically (other than some pretty bad sunburn) - my legs feel good besides some expected soreness and mentally my head feels pretty clear. What frustrated me the most was that my training went so well over the past several months and now because of something out of my control(the weather) it now seems "wasted". I know that the training I put into this race will help me in the future and gave me a good snapshot into how far I've come and what I am capable of, and that the experience will make me stronger for future races, but it sucks to have to do it all over again and then hope for good things on race day. While some of my friends are capable of signing up for another marathon in a few weeks to try and get revenge on the race, I can't do that just yet. It will take a little while to decompress and get the memory of this race out of my mind - but another marathon will happen eventually. I don't want to rush into another one right away although physically I am probably capable of doing so.
All of us were checking the weather days before the race, probably several times a day. As much as we tried, wishing alone can't bring favorable weather. You can factor in the wind, the proximity to the water, the overcast skies, etc. - however, deep down we all knew it was going to be a hot day. Nothing can really prepare you to run in temps that were as high as yesterday (as AG reminded me just before we ventured out to the starting line).
At the start of the race, the temperatures did not seem like they were going to be horrible - how wrong we all were. It was quite cool along the ocean which gave us a false sense of hope going into the race. Other than the mile or two of the race that ran along the water, the rest of the course was on the neighborhood streets and offered very little cover or shade. It was just you and the blacktop.
Sometimes you can tell early on that it is going to be your day and other days you realize that things are not going to turn out well. I purposely joined a pace group to keep me steady throughout the race and give me the opportunity to have a group of people to run with to help me along in the later miles. While my pace leader last year in the NJ Half was on pace from the very start of the race, the one from this year never really got in a groove and it derailed me from the very beginning. While I obviously don't blame the guy for veering off pace later in the race and slowing down (no one should have to carry the pacing responsibility on a day like yesterday), his pace was all over the place when I needed it most in the beginning stages. I lined up with the 3:40 pace group as planned, which is approximately an 8:23 pace. The first mile was extremely crowded as expected and we ran it in 9:07. No problem with that as long as we slowly move back down to the 8:23 pace over the next couple of miles. However, the leader sped up in mile 2 down to around 8:05 and stayed that way for the next three miles. This was too fast for me this early in the race. I could feel the temperature starting to get hotter and I knew that I had to reel myself in. For my own sanity, I decided to back away from the "pace" group after mile 4. I realized that the group was already hurting rather than helping me at this point and I had to do something. Using my Garmin as a guide, I started to slowly increase my pace to around 8:15-8:25. Just in case the group normalized its pace in the future, I kept the "3:40" flag in my sites and hopefully I would rejoin them in a few miles after going at my own pace. So far the plan was working. Miles 5-10 slowed down a bit right at around the pace that I wanted. At this point I was going at a steady pace and was feeling pretty good. At about mile 9 or 10 I caught up to my original pace group but quickly realized that the leader was now overcompensating his quicker pace from the start of the race. The group was now running at around an 8:45 pace and did not seem to be getting any faster. It was sad to realize at this point that my entire strategy based on the comfort of the pace group completely went out the window. I concluded that the group was no longer helping me and I decided to leave it at about mile 11 or 12. It was a tough decision and one that I knew would have consequences later on in the race. On my own, I was able to stay right on pace and crossed the halfway point at around 1:50 - my original goal at the start of the race to achieve a time of 3:40. However, once you cross the halfway point of this race, you lose all of the runners doing the half marathon. Now that I was no longer in the pace group, I knew inside that the rest of the race was going to be tough for me. I was starting to tire (more mentally than physically) - not a good feeling knowing that I still had another 13 miles to go. I did not have a group to shoulder the physical and mental load and I would have to run the rest of the race by myself just as the temperatures were getting hotter and hotter. This was probably not going to end well.
When the burden is completely on you to convince yourself to push through a race that has 13 miles to go, it is not easy. I was still pretty much on pace through mile or 15 or 16 (around 2:07 through 15 miles), however the race was quickly getting tougher and tougher. The streets were getting more and more empty and the mercury continued to rise. I started to think to myself, how am I possibly going to get through the rest of this race? In conditions like these, the more opportunities there are to overthink things, the worse off things will probably get. I usually make it a rule not to walk during a race. Slow down or shuffle as much as you need to, but don't stop those feet. It is nearly impossible, for me at least, to get going again once I walked for the first time. Yesterday was no different. I found myself starting to tire considerably and I was trying to slow my pace down to one that was comfortable and one that I could continue at for several miles. However, as the sun was beating down more and more (there was no escaping it), it was getting harder and harder to fight the urge to walk. I didn't want to do it because I knew that that would signify the theoretical end to my race. As hard as it was to do, I gave myself "permission" to start walking at probably around mile 16 or 17 (I forget at this point). In my mind, I knew what that meant. Once you give yourself the option to walk, it is hard not to take that option throughout the rest of the race whenever you feel a rough patch coming. At first I walked for about 30 seconds at a time, then it was about a minute at a time. Once I started shuffling my feet, I was able to run about a half mile to a mile at a time. The original plan was to continue running until I saw the next mile marker. However, if an aid station came up before that, I decided to walk through the station and slowly drink my water and Gatorade. At this point it seemed like I was drinking water and Gatorade by the gallon. The volunteers were nice enough to be handing out cups of ice as the race went on. It took all of the mental strength I had to restart my run each time that I walked. I was very proud of myself for being able to make the call to walk. You get competitive in a race setting and think back to all of the training that you put in and none of us want to give that up unless it is absolutely necessary. CK was still contemplating running the marathon yesterday after being hurt and not being able to run for the past 2 weeks. Lam got the flu last week and was still clinging to hope that he could run the race (he eventually got himself to run the half). It takes an enormous amount of strength to tell yourself that it is just not your day and to adjust your expectations - your goals that you were hoping for and worked hard for will have to wait for another day. Non-runners don't realize how difficult it is for us to do this. It was a call that I didn't want to make, but I was happy that I did.
It amazing how quickly race goals can change in a matter of a few miles. I went from trying to break 3:40, to trying for a PR (sub 3:48), to trying to get under 4 hours, to not caring at all about my time but just looking to finish the race in one piece without too many problems. If there was an easy way to get back to the start of the race, I seriously considered quitting the race. The temperatures were way too high and it was not worth it to risk getting sick or hurt to finish the race. When you are hurting at around mile 16 or 17, having 9 or 10 miles to go seems like a daunting if not insurmountable task ahead of you. And with no group or fellow runner supporting you, it might seem impossible. I had to break down the rest of the race one mile at a time, one water station at a time. Any longer distance would be too much to process for me and would bring me closer to stopping for good. Once I eventually reached mile 20 or 21, stopping was not an option for me. Although it was not in the cards today for a good race, I trained too hard and too long for this race to not cross that finish line. There was no way I was going to DNF. I knew that if I can make it to the stretch along the water than I was going to finish. The cool temperatures and the prospect of ending the race would carry me as far as I needed to go. After putting in miles ranging from 9:15-11:40 for the past 7 or 8 miles, I was able to muster a mile time in the 8:30 range for the final 1.2 miles. It was a great feeling to cross that finish line. I earned it.
It is incredible to think how I was able to push myself to finish the race, especially since it seemed like a remote possibility an hour and a half before. While this was my slowest marathon time so far, I worked the hardest for this one and I am most proud of how I persevered and pushed myself. It was not easy but it made stronger for future races. If I could get through this race, I could probably get through any one of them in the future.
The support along the course was great. The volunteers were cheering loudly for all of the runners throughout the day, especially later on in the race when we needed the support the most. The aid station never ran out of water or Gatorade and there were sprinklers all along the course (from gracious spectators) that cooled us off and were a welcome surprise. In addition, it was awesome to have several friends out on the course who made the trip, in this unbearable heat, to cheer us all on. It was such a mental boost to see a familiar face on the course when my mental strength was at its lowest. Thanks so much to CK and DC - you guys were great and thanks to the Flyers who lined the course as well. It was a great surprise to see you out there. LL and JB - thanks for cheering me on going into the last mile of the race.
Lesson #1 - pick a marathon that does not have temperatures that are in the 80s and 90s:) My training went very well going into this race and I had high expectations for myself. However, I learned that I could make a difficult decision when I need to and I realized that I have the strength to do it as tough as it may be. Although this race turned out similar to my 2007 NYC Half Marathon (heat, walking on the course, etc.), it was not due to anything in my control - eating, nutrition, sleep, pacing, or training. It was just a case of bad luck due to the weather. Even though I was walking throughout the race, at no time did I feel too bad physically. My legs felt pretty good. I didn't feel like I was going to pass out. I wasn't having a hard time catching my breath. The troubles were primarily mental. The heat and solitude on the course can get to you pretty quickly and once the decision was made to walk, there is really no going back after that. During the NYC Half, I felt horrible not only during the race but for weeks afterwards. That race was the trigger for me to get serious about training, eating, and pacing. This race was not like that one at all. I had a good strategy going into the New Jersey Marathon but I was not able to execute it due to bad weather. My next marathon is going to be one that has a great chance for cooler weather, has reliable and proven pace leaders, and during a time of the year that has more organized long runs. After a race like this that was such a struggle, you wonder if you will be able to rebound. As horrible as I felt after the 2007 race (I had no desire to run for at least a month and never thought the feeling would go away), a great and consistent race at the Queens Half only a month and a half later got me back on track and gave me the confidence that I would be OK. While I will need to get the memory of this race out of my mind in order to be able to do another marathon in the future, I need to hold onto to the experience of it to remind me of the strength it took to complete and how far I am capable of digging within myself to accomplish something that I really want. All I need now is to take it easy and have fun at the Ragnar Relay coming up on May 14-15. It may just be what I need to take my mind off of this race and jumpstart the next phase of my running. All it takes is one good race to get you going again.
